Twilight

I can only come to one possible conclusion about the popularity of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight.  It’s everywhere.  Everyone’s reading it.  Everyone’s talking about it.  But it’s utter crap.

Twilight, you see, is the lowest common denominator of vampire fiction.

A young girl meets an older vampire.  And then he tries to push her away, because he’s a vampire and she’s not.  And then she finds out.  But they’re in loooove.  (For some reason.)  And also there’s evil vampires, and a feud between vampires and werewolves (who are native americans.)  But love prevails.

I think I liked that story better when it was Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  (Well, without the clear foreshadowing to a conflict from Underworld/White Wolf/Dracula vs. the Wolfman, or wherever the whole “vampires hate werewolves” schlock-meme came from.)  Compared to the acting of Twilight’s male lead Robert Pattinson’s acting performance, David Boreanis looks like Jim Carrey and Anthony Hopkins rolled into one.

The characters lack any depth, complexity, or real motives for their actions.  The vampires seem to be broody for broodiness’s sake.  The lovers pursue their love because they love each other- and they love each other because she smells nice and he’s mysterious.  And the bad vampire is bad because he’s bad.

The lessons of this movie are damaging:  teen love at first sight is true and pure and noble, if someone is a complete asshole to you then you can someday have a healthy relationship with them, and it’s okay for teen-girl masturbation-fodder to somehow become a bestseller with movie rights.

There’s no horror in the vampiric condition in Twilight; you get your pick of powers from your favorite White Wolf splatbooks, you never have to sleep/rest/go into a coffin, you can go outside during the day if it’s even vaguely cloudy, and you get to be good looking, immortal, and mysterious.  Oh, but you have to be in high school forever.  (Oh noes, high school!  Perhaps an 22 year old actor wasn’t the best choice to play someone who’s supposed to be perpetually 17?)  Also, if you go out in sunlight, people might find out that you’re DAVID BOWIE.  Wait, what?

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3 thoughts on “Twilight

  1. Oh sweet baby jebus crow on a stick, THANK YOU. I was starting to think we were the only ones who understood what was going on there. K dragged me to it because she had to watch it for her book club and didn’t want to go alone.

    Why does nobody think it’s creepy that a 100-something year old guy is romantically smitten with a 14 year old girl? If he’d died at 30 years old, would this be appropriate? I think not.

    You’re absolutely right about the damaging lessons. Teen girls do not need to be taught that this sort of behavior is acceptable, let alone encouraged. It’s ok to alienate and deliberately hurt your father to run off with your boyfriend and his creepy family!

    I figured out pretty quickly that the reason he can’t read her mind is because after the first moment she sees him, she ceases to have anything resembling conscious thoughts. She’s completely on autopilot from that point on, making no rational decisions whatsoever, because she’s already decided that THEY MUST BE TOGETHER FOREVER! >_< Even when her bones are getting broken, she doesn’t seem to care.

    The two of them were even more wooden than Anakin and Amidala in Ep3.

    I’d actually like to know more about Dr. Carlysle. His story seems more interesting to me. And the one chick with the short dark hair? Freakin’ hawt. Not enough to save the movie, by any stretch, though.

    You’re right also about every depiction of vampirism having more kewl powerz and less consequences than the last. I’ve been bored with vamps since the early 90s (Ann Arbor was Goth Central at that time), and nothing’s happened yet to convince me to change my mind.

    Although I did actually enjoy the Underworld movies. What can I say.

  2. Oh sweet baby jebus crow on a stick, THANK YOU. I was starting to think we were the only ones who understood what was going on there. K dragged me to it because she had to watch it for her book club and didn’t want to go alone.

    Why does nobody think it’s creepy that a 100-something year old guy is romantically smitten with a 14 year old girl? If he’d died at 30 years old, would this be appropriate? I think not.

    You’re absolutely right about the damaging lessons. Teen girls do not need to be taught that this sort of behavior is acceptable, let alone encouraged. It’s ok to alienate and deliberately hurt your father to run off with your boyfriend and his creepy family!

    I figured out pretty quickly that the reason he can’t read her mind is because after the first moment she sees him, she ceases to have anything resembling conscious thoughts. She’s completely on autopilot from that point on, making no rational decisions whatsoever, because she’s already decided that THEY MUST BE TOGETHER FOREVER! >_< Even when her bones are getting broken, she doesn’t seem to care.

    The two of them were even more wooden than Anakin and Amidala in Ep3.

    I’d actually like to know more about Dr. Carlysle. His story seems more interesting to me. And the one chick with the short dark hair? Freakin’ hawt. Not enough to save the movie, by any stretch, though.

    You’re right also about every depiction of vampirism having more kewl powerz and less consequences than the last. I’ve been bored with vamps since the early 90s (Ann Arbor was Goth Central at that time), and nothing’s happened yet to convince me to change my mind.

    Although I did actually enjoy the Underworld movies. What can I say.

    Also, the best werewolf vs. vampire fight is the one in Howling 5: The Freaks.

  3. Ack! Sorry for the double post… my internet connection went belly up right as I was finishing this post, so I clicked “submit” a bunch of times without knowing if it went through.

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