Top Five Rejected Shadowfist Expansions

With all this talk about Empire of Evil, I think it’s worth talking about the expansions that aren’t getting printed. The expansions that just didn’t quite make the cut. Today I present to you the Top Five Rejected Shadowfist Expansions.

*#5: “Netherworld 3: Back Through the Portals Again!”

Concept: There’s a lot of great cards in Netherworld that never got reprinted! Cards like the Flying Bladder, IKTV Rebroadcast Link, and New Manifesto! Netherworld 3: Back Through the Portals Again takes forgotten cards from Netherworld, Flashpoint, and Netherworld 2: Back Through the Portals, and reprints them, making these coasters available to a new audience of players.

    Plot: Something about the Monarchs. First they’re at each other’s throats, and then something unites them against an outside threat. Maybe the Jammers.

    New Cards: Despite being 75% reprints of your favorite cards like Time Bandits or Operation Green Strike, Netherworld 3: Back Through the Portals Again! reprises the Reload mechanic, adding it to new versions of popular cards. Examples include In Your Face Again (Again), Surprise, Surprise (Reprise), Time Continues to Keep on Slipping, and Revenge of the Revenge on the Patent Office.

    Pro: I guess maybe someone needs more copies of Thunder Knights.

    Con: Inauspicious Re-Reburial found to be overpowered in playtest.

    • 4: “Welcome To the Nineties”

    Concept: Remember how Boom Chaka Laka was about the seventies? Well it’s like that, but for the nineties.

    Plot: The Purists have wacky cosmology breaking technology. And then the Jammers show up and steal it! And there’s a bunch of cards named after song lyrics and nineties movies and stuff.

    New Cards: Baby Got Back, Edward Swordhands, El Nino, Everybody Dance Now, Fighting Seizure Monsters, Hammer Time, Humpty Dance, Judge Ito, Larry Stinger, Mad Cows, Not!, Party Time, Excellent!, Pogs, Snapple Lady, Stained Dress, Tell Me What You Want, Virtual Pet, White Bronco, Zee & Silent Joe, something based on the Macarena.

    Pro: I still remember how to do the Macarena.

    Con: Plenty of overweight card players still remember how to do the Macarena.

    #3: “Destruction 2008”

    Concept: We’ve borrowed from and satirized everything else- why not politics? Maybe because a set about the 2008 election probably wouldn’t see shelves until 2012.

    Plot: After the critical shift, the Ascended pull out all the stops to hang onto their power base in the modern juncture. But can John Kane, Pledged Maverick (Asc-AZ) beat out up-and-coming junior kung fu senator Barry “The Rock” O-rama (Dra-IL)?

    New Cards: In addition to the previously mentioned new hitters for the Ascended and Dragons, we get Hellary Clinton, Demon Empress (Lot-NY), Sarah Piglin, Lodge Initiate (Asc-AK), Paul Ron, Voodoo Economist (Pur-TX), Zombie Strom Thurmond, Undead Filibusterer (Lot-SC), Joe the Plumber, and the Monkey Who Would be President (Jam-???). Then there’s a variety of events, like “Yes We Can!” IKTV Election Coverage, Primary Faceoff, Pantsuit, “You Betcha,” Energize the Base, and Lipstick on a Transformed Pig.

    Pro: Filibusterer comes up as a real word in my spellcheck.

    Cons: Daniel Griego won’t shut up about Ron Paul. Canadians won’t get the jokes.

    #2 Great Red North

    Concept: Given that Shadowfist is popular in Canada, why not an expansion about Canada… eh?

    Plot: Somebody bad- maybe the Lotus- tries to attune to the Canadian National Tower. The Jammers try to blow it up. The Americans overreact and it’s Canadian Bacon all over again.

    New Cards: Quebecois Seperatists, Dudely Do-Right, Kids in the Hall, Hoseheads, Curling, Socialized Medicine.

    Pros: Canadians deserve some cards, right? And you know, that socialized medicine sounds pretty good.

    Con: Cards would have to be printed in both English and French.

    #1 Twilight

    Concept: Teen girls and grown women who should know better will buy anything Twilight. This will be the best selling edition of Shadowfist ever.

    Plot: You’re joking, right?

    New Cards: Play versions of all your favorite characters from the novels and the movie! Like Bella, Vapid Teen, Edward, Creepy Stalker Sparkle Vampire, or that werewolf native American kid or the nerdy metrosexual Chinese guy. New Romance Event cards allow you to win the game without any of those messy kung fu battles or fighting. New foil cards allow you to experience the vampires in all their sparkly glory.

    Pro: It’ll bring more girls into the hobby!

    Con: It’ll bring more tween girls mooning over abusive relationships and sparkles into the hobby.


    2 thoughts on “Top Five Rejected Shadowfist Expansions

    1. Little Jim says:

      Awesome – do you get promos with Monkeys bare breasted as well?

    2. Willow says:

      No, but there’s a topless promo versions of Zombie Strom Thurmond!

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